While the magazines that have any audience are suspected in being paid by smoothie corporations to stay silent, The Asocial conducts an investigation on the topic, following the rumors of smoothies being a major risk factor in becoming a hipster.
A creep
We interview a creep, who has got leg necrosis as a shrinked pants syndrome complication. That’s what news media usually does in order to appeal to pity, and to get a convincing story by cherry picking and/or using a biased sample, so we’ve figured we’ll do the same – and maybe will get paid by the smoothie corporations one day.
The creep’s legs look disgusting, and he does not like being photographed in this condition, so we will not put a picture here.
The Asocial (A): So, how are you doing?
Creep (C): How does it look I’m doing?
A: Fine?
C: Not quite, I have leg necrosis.
A: Don’t be a whimp, nobody is completely healthy.
C: There are fucking maggots in my legs.
A: Calm down, human parasites are not that uncommon.
C: Did I mention dead flesh?
A: Fuck it, we’ll find another creep.
C: Hey, wait, I’ll give the interview.
A: Okay. So, you’ve got the necrosis because of the slim pants you were wearing, right?
C: Yup.
A: And you were wearing the slim pants because you were a hipster, is that correct?
C: Yes, and I still am.
A: But no slim pants anymore, huh?
C: I have to wear therapeutic pants now.
A: Did you become a hipster because of the smoothies you were consuming?
C: That’s what the doctors say.
A: But what do you think?
C: Well, I guess that it contributed, at least.
A: Okay. Any word of advice to our readers?
C: Smoothies are the shit.
A: Do you mean that they are good?
C: Yeah, but you’d better not even try them.
A: You’re not making much sense now.
C: Want to see my leg?
A: Put that away, please.
C: Want to touch it?
A: That’s enough for the interview, I hope you’ll die soon.
Dr. Fraud
Dr. Fraud is a man in doctor clothing (trustworthiness +4), glasses (intelligence +3), and with a stethoscope (charisma +3). He looks like he knows everything about medicine and follows all the recent research, so we’re interviewing him as well.
The Asocial (A): Is it true that each smoothie shrinks your pants’ leg opening diameter by 0.5 mm?
Dr. Fraud (F): What? Where did you get that from?
A: Made it up just now, actually.
F: Oh. Well, let’s see. Here is the data we have – that’s how many people turn after their nth smoothie:
people turned into hipsters after consuming their nth smoothie
Or, to visualize it a bit differently – that’s how many people are hipsters after consuming n smoothies:
people turned into hipsters after consuming n smoothies
That’s from a study with 100000 smoothies and 200 subjects, 198 of which turned into hipsters by the end of the experiment, and the remaining two were probably immune. Hm, wait, that’s less than 0.05 of the sample, so it could be seen as insignificant – in fact, we could claim that they turn after 390 smoothies. Round it up to 400, and it’d be 0.25 mm per smoothie, if a leg opening shrinks by 10 cm on average once one turns into a hipster. But that’s only what’s expected after 400 smoothies, while it would be different for pretty much any other amount.
A: Interesting. But it assumes that the pants only shrink once, when one becomes a hipster, right?
F: Yeah, we can’t tell much about further shrinking from this study, and that 10 cm value should be checked as well. But the order of magnitude should be about right.
A: What about the timing? Is the effect the same when one drinks 390 smoothies in, say, a month, and when one does that in a year?
F: No idea. It’s just written here that in the study, 2 smoothies per day were used. Maybe it’s an average or something.
A: Is it the same for different smoothies, and does the volume of a smoothie matter?
F: Listen, I’m not really a doctor.
A: Well, I’m not really a journalist.
F: Want to grab a smoothie, then?
A: Sure.