More and more often overweight people are getting stuck in bathtubs1, sometimes requiring assistance to get released. Surprisingly, both the causes and the mechanisms differ from case to case.
Following the rumors of another overweight guy being stuck in a bathtub, The Asocial interviews the poor fatty himself:
The Asocial (TA): Hello, fatty. May I call you that?
Fat Guy (FA): I wouldn’t call a person who weights 125 kilograms “fatty”. But I do deem those of a lower weight underweight.
TA: Interesting world view. How long have you been stuck in the bathtub?
FA: To be honest, just a few seconds total, but more than once. The whole time I’ve been in control of being stuck, though the second to last didn’t go exactly as planned. Besides, it was rather a suction, I wasn’t literally “stuck”.
TA: Oh, that is not so bad. But I heard you’ve performed some physical experiments during that time, is that correct?
FA: More like the other way around: sometimes I’d get stuck while performing physical experiments.
TA: Could you elaborate on the nature of those experiments?
FA: Well, I was about to take a bath. Once I’ve sat in the middle of the bathtub, I managed to block the water flow from one half to the other.
TA: So you could pretend that you’re a human dam while playing with rubber ducks?
FA: Yes. And I did!
TA: But how did you manage to eventually get stuck in there?
FA: One of my favourite scenarios that I’m playing while pretending to be a dam is an earthquake. So I’ve started to wiggle to emulate it, but that has created a vacuum under my back, and that’s how I got stuck. Then I began researching this effect, and found a position that maximized the vacuum. It even was painful to get unstuck at that point. So I had to get rid of the vacuum, but don’t ask me how.
TA: Okay, how did you first discover that you can block water flow with your body?
FA: Once upon a time I’ve sat in the middle of a bathtub, turned the tap on, and behind me there was little water. It was cold, and the water was hot. Then I’ve noticed that the water behind me doesn’t go up, while it does in front of me, and quite fast. Then I figured that I was a dam, and moved forward, what sped up the water level increase rate. Quite an interesting observation that was.
TA: And what is the purpose of those experiments?
FA: The question of purpose is rather complex to me, I don’t know the purpose of my actions in general. Except for the basic ones – such as sleeping, eating, getting the food. So I guess it could be best described as plain curiosity. But isn’t it the curiosity that leads us to the most interesting of discoveries? Particularly with one’s own body.
TA: Probably it is. Is it why you became, hrm, non-underweight?
FA: No, I’ve chosen to be this way because I’ve got a full-time programming job and a car. A programmer’s salary is high, so I was able to try various foods out of curiosity. I could be doing that virtually all day long.
TA: I see. By the way, while I’m here, a colleague of mine asked me to find out whether fat shaming really works. What’s your take on that?
FA: Nope, actually it’s the other way around: I’m proud of my fat and quite happy about it. Particularly while running or camping. By the time when underweight weaklings get exhausted, falling on the ground and freezing, I’m still full of energy; my fat provides that for me.
TA: Are you eating those weaklings then?
FA: Also when I’m running a quarter marathon or a half marathon, it’s the same. I’m barely preparing, while they are running a few times per week. For them it’s an offence and humiliation when the fat guy runs on par with them. The last time I’ve got the third place among girls.
TA: So, contrary to the stereotypes, fatness basically gives you superhuman powers.
FA: It just so happened that I didn’t register for the marathon, but my girlfriend did. I decided to support her and ran along with her. But at some point she got tired and gave me her tracker. I’ve managed to get the third place in the women’s marathon, so my girlfriend got a medal, a flask, two 17-litre bottles of water, and 25 hamburgers
TA: That’s interesting, and our readers may be curious: how did you get a girlfriend while being fat?
FA: Well, I was her boss. Or, rather, a team leader.
TA: And ordered to become your girlfriend?
FA: Not exactly, though one could say so. We were walking a lot during work hours, and…
TA: Okay, stop right there, that gets boring. Have you been stuck in any other places before?
FA: Yes, I have. Once my girlfriend and I went to a mountain trip. She wanted to see the mountains, but I’ve got stuck on a beach in a cafe. I’ve ordered a large portion of a local dish there, but wasn’t able to eat it all – it was intended to be shared among a company, weighting 1200 grams. But by the end of our vacation I was able to eat it in one go.
TA: You’ve got stuck there just figuratively speaking, right?
FA: No, I’d say “mentally”. It’s hard to say “no” to food.
TA: But what about being stuck physically?
FA: No, not recalling.
TA: So that was a new experience for you this time. Are you planning on repeating it in the future?
FA: Not likely: I’ll have to move out tomorrow, and such bathtubs are uncommon around here.
TA: Do you know any other non-underweight people who are getting stuck in bathtubs on purpose? Is it like a subculture thing?
FA: No, but I think they can be forced to.
TA: “Forced”? Why would you even consider that?
FA: Technically they are able to, but they are not curious enough about their bodies. So if they were given a purpose, they could definitely do it.
TA: Any words of encouragement to our readers?
FA: I don’t think that body fat is any special. Everyone has got enough fat. And if one treats it with care and love, a splendid belly may grow out of it. Or an ass.
TA: Exciting.
A historical note: fat people predate bathtubs, but they were not taken into account when bathtubs were designed. Some speculate that it’s simply because they’ve required more materials than needed for an average person, but there is a conspiracy theory or two providing alternative explanations.
Comparing to the time when people on average were less obese, or at least to the time when bathtubs did not exist yet.↩